Yes, yes I know that I’ve promised to write during Eid ul Fitr and I should write it ages ago (6 months ago, to be precise) but I just don’t have the mood to do so. I should be writing about my experience as a college student as it’s already the end of the semester and next week is going to be my study week and all; but that isn’t what triggered me to write today. You know, its all over twitter about a girl that had openly assault (well I exaggerate, humiliate would fit better in this situation) another girl with a bunch of other Mean Girls wannabe backing her up, by picking about body size. Well, we all know cyber bullying - some even experienced it or eventually going though it right now (which explained how you found my blog) but how many people actually know what cyber-bullying actually capable of to ruin somebody’s life? So I’m going to share my story today. Just so you know, I AM NOT writing this to seek for sympathy, but I’m trying to open some closed minds and deepen some shallow hearts; just my little effort to make the world a better place for all.
It all started when I moved into a new school, I was in standard 3. I’m not happy with it of course, to leave my best friends and to actually make new friends. Duh admit it, nobody likes to get out of their comfort zone right? And as a 9 year old kid I knew nothing, I actually just follow the lead of my parents. Long story short, everyone was nice. Make jokes, ask if I want to eat together and save a place for me if I’m late, everything went smoothly. Well at least I thought so. But then when I was in standard 5, someone actually tell me about the existence of CLUB ANTI ALYA. Yes guys, I have a club named after me hahaha. Fake people, fake people everywhere. I won’t tell the reason why the club exist, just because its childish – well we were 9 after all. But trust me, to be mentally bullied at a very young age; the damage? Permanent.
So I started to feel depressed. I ate a lot. I overthink about everything. Insecure. I lose trust in people. My roommate at school is dissing me because I advised her until I managed to stay at the hostel just for 6 months. Not to mention my ex boyfriend cheated on me. Just nice, putting vinegar on my wound. Don’t misunderstand me, I forgive them all. But to forget, I don’t think I can ever do that. Yezza, in a blink of an eye, I have trust issues. Until now, I can’t leave my friends behind after a conversation without regretting what I’ve said and picturing them talking bad about me behind my back. It’s awful you know, to not being able to trust your own friends. And I felt sick knowing there’s not even a piece of huznudzon (thinking good about others) placed on my mind. Andddddd, to top it all, I gained weight. Plenty of ‘em. And that my friend, gonna make everything worse that I thought it could ever be.
So now I’m fat. Even though my friends told me “mana ada gemuk pun Alya” “alaaa macam ni la comel” it doesn’t help. Even my family called me fat and bulat. Well, you know family never lie. I acted strong, I pretended to laugh it off in front of them but Allah knows how much it hurts inside. And all those pretty people on social media – enough to make me feel guilty every time I want to eat even when I’m hungry. And I watch this movie, its about awareness for eating disorder. Instead of actually being aware, I’ve honestly had a thought to stop eating; convincing myself that the girl in that movie is already thin but I’m REALLY REALLY FAT so it wont hurt me. Thank God, alhamdulillah I have good friends around me that is actually aware of what I’ve tried to do. Who know what would happen if they don’t.. nauzubillahiminzalik.
So now I believed I’ve been better. Im still trying to think and care less about what people say because you know what Taylor Swift sang in Shake It Off, haters gonna hate hate hate! I’m still emotionally unstable (I can suddenly cry, mad or annoyed at little things) but I’m learning to control it. May Allah ease!
Tips of the day : Watch what you say or post about sensitive issues. Some might find it hilarious but some might find it offensive. Always try to see the world in other’s perspective, so you can act wisely. Last but not least, teasing others about sensitive issues is DEFINITELY NOT FUNNY SO STOP IT. SAY NO TO CYBER BULLYING. Remember, life’s a wheel. You can’t always be at the top. At some point of life you’ll be at the bottom. Be kind 🌼
 |
| The movie |
